Have you ever wondered why the most important areas of our lives, the ones that are crucial to having a happy, fulfilling existence on planet Earth, are not thought in schools?
We teach our kids about mathematics, and physics, and geography, and history, and chemistry, and foreign languages and many more.
But we don’t teach them about:
- emotions, feelings and how to express them; how the brain works;
- communication, non-violent communication, how to be assertive, emphatic, how to listen;
- how to talk to a woman; how to talk to a man;
- what are the differences between the male brain and the woman brain;
- how to develop and sustain healthy relationships;
- the secret to a happy, healthy sex life;
- how to manage your finances and so on.
For some reason, our societies assume that we should just naturally know how to attract a great partner, how to develop and maintain a healthy, happy relationship, and then how to be amazing parents once we have kids.
Until recently I thought all I need to do to be able to have that dream relationship, is to get my staff sorted and then I will magically be a master of relationships.
Well, I’ve just had an insight: it doesn’t work this way. Sure, working on myself, solving my issues, taking care of my body, all these are necessary for the quality of my life and my self development.
But they are not sufficient to having and maintaining a relationship. It is not enough. I need to learn also how a man sees the world. How a man’s brain is different from a woman’s brain. How other people have been successful in their long relationships.
And all the how to, do’s and don’ts in a relationship that I can learn from people who are already there, living it.
I am amazed that I’ve come to this conclusion so late. I’ve had the insight that being a good parent can’t just come naturally, ever since I was a kid.
So I’ve started researching and reading and training on the topic even if I don’t have kids yet.
My friends were making fun of me when I was doing this. It seemed like I started with step number 2, instead of number 1. “You are very prepared now to have children. Why don’t you have one?”
And I was kind of embarrassed answering: “Hmmm, I need to find a partner that I would eventually feel like having a family with. How the heck do I do that?”
I know that no book or training can prepare you 100% for the real experience of being a parent. Like no book on dating and relationships can do the trick for having a great relationship.
But it sure can give you some background, help you avoid stupid mistakes and start from a better pole position.
We would probably not need any classes, books or training on these topics, if we would have been born and raised in happy, healthy families.
Where we would learn by imitation the good ways of relating in a couple and relating to a child.
But let’s be honest.
Most of us grew up in more or less dysfunctional families. We didn’t receive the “good” model of being a woman, being a man, being a partner or a parent.
Most of us have to work many years to unlearn the patterns we received as children and replace them with new ones. And this is hard work that needs all the support and help one can get.
So if you thought there is something wrong with you because you don’t naturally excel in relationships and parenting stop judging yourself.
Accept where you are right now. Get clear about what works, what doesn’t.
Then search for help, in whatever form that is: a book, a coach, a therapist, a support group etc. to get to the point where you stop doing what doesn’t work and you add up more of what does.