“When your partner, consumed by excitement, begins to move ever harder and faster towards his own climax (the so called jackhammer mode), do you feel
-engulfed by a wave of disappointment that once again he will be all finished before you ever begin to get warmed up?
Or perhaps your partner dutifully feels that he should satisfy you before he allows himself to be satisfied.
So he works hard to bring you to orgasm by stimulating your clitoris.
He’s doing the “right” thing, so you don’t want to be critical. But is he rubbing too hard? too fast? Do you need more lubrication?
Do you feel pressured to get on with it, hurry up and climax so he can move on the “real” part of sex-that is penetration and ejaculation?
Do you worry that he’s getting bored while he’s stimulating you? Do you find yourself getting bored?
Do you leave your body altogether and make a grocery list in your head?
Or do you need to leave your physical body in another way and engage in a steamy sexual fantasy in order to come to climax?
Do you actually feel disinterested but work hard at that fantasy nevertheless because your partner will be disappointed or feel diminished if he can’t bring you to orgasm?
Do you sometimes fake orgasm just to get the whole thing over with?
You are not alone. Unfortunately most women in our modern day cultures felt some or all of these ways.”
It’s a fact: after a few months or years in a relationship the vast majority of women withdraw from sex.
Sadly, millions of women, settle for a non-satisfying sex life or the complete rejection of it. The effect on men is that they too are living at a sexual minimum.
And they have no idea how extraordinary their sex life could be.
What’s the cause: boredom? routine? loss of libido? too much stress? getting old? having children?
All of these are factors that may contribute to it.
But the root cause of the dissatisfaction and the withdrawal from sex of millions of women is somewhere else.
All the magazines tips and tricks about how to maintain the spark in your bedroom are just circling around. They are giving advise to treat the symptoms but not the real cause.
Just like modern medicine compared to the traditional Chinese or homeopathic medicine: one treats the effects and the other ones treat the real causes.
So what is it? Why are we, women, losing the sexual desire for our men?
I’ve had enough with questioning and thinking that one day I will get that amazing, fulfilling, never ending love life. I decided to look for answers on my own.
I realized it’s not realistic to let the responsibility of my sexual fulfilment only on the shoulders of the man I am with. I’ve decided I am responsible for the quality of my love life.
Although it is much easier to just blame it on the men, on the long term it’s very counter orgasmic productive. And bad karma points. 🙂
For many years I’ve heard the word “tantra” here and there. For I don’t know why reason I’ve always kept myself away from it, thinking “One day, I will go on a tantra retreat and see what it is about!”
In our western influenced, modern cultures, the word “tantra” is surrounded by confusion, something that is only accessible to a few lucky, enlightened ones, difficult to apply in every day life.
So I decided to start gathering good quality info about it. I thought that before going to a retreat I should at least have some basic idea about what the heck this tantra is about.
So I started reading. And the first book I laid my eyes on simply blew my mind. I was astonished to realize how many of the things I always felt intuitively were now confirmed.
And how many things I thought were good for me and a turn on are actually a turn off for my body on the long term.
The book I took this ideas from is called Tantric Orgasm for Women [affiliate link]
Every sentence in this article that I put in between “” is a quote from this book.
So here is a list of 8 sex myths or preconceptions in our conventional sex culture and the tantric vision of them.
Be prepared to be swept off your feet. I felt like that at times although some of the ideas were already inside me, buried under my conventional sexual conditioning.
Before that let’s demystify the word “tantra”.
What is Tantra about?
I really like the simple definition of Osho “Tantra is the transformation of sex into love through awareness.”
Tantra is a science of the East dating back thousands of years. In a few words it’s the art and practice of raising upwards and transforming the basic life energy, the sexual energy, into spirituality.
“In Sanskrit the word “tantra” is linked to concepts as capacity for expansion or that which goes on expanding”.
“It is concerned with the transmutation of energy, liberation of the mind, attainment of one’s full potential.”
Another often reference to tantra, that I really liked, is :“tantra doesn’t deny anything, but transforms everything”. In other words, is not what you do, but how you do it that matters.
And now let’s get to that list of sex myths:
1. Orgasm is the release of a build up energy, it takes effort and is the main purpose of making love (besides procreation, of course)
Tantric answer: Orgasm is a spiritual experience. “Orgasm derives from the Latin word “orgia”, which describes a pagan religious ceremony in which people became ecstatic.”
Truth is that the human being is auto-ecstatic.
The natural state of our bodies is relaxation and orgasmic vibration.
Every woman has the potential to experience full, rich, deep, satisfying orgasm.
There is a huge difference between the short lived, obtained with effort orgasm experienced normally through conventional sex, and the orgasmic state which comes from deep relaxation, awareness and sensitivity.
In tantric love making there is no rush and no goal to achieve. Reaching an orgasm is a thing that might or might not happen, there is no pressure to run after it.
It is enjoying every moment for itself, being aware and taking your time to feel, and connect to yourself and to your partner.
2. Using fantasy to reach an orgasm.
Many sex tips in magazines are advising you to use your imagination to help you get an orgasm.
Tantric answer: for many women, the lack of orgasm comes from the disconnection with one’s body and the constant intrusion of the mind.
Fantasy might create hornyness and excitation on the short term that will lead you to an orgasm.
However, in the long term, it’s just reinforcing your pattern of staying in the mind and disconnected from your body.
3. Ejaculation equals the male orgasm.
For many men, ejaculation is the equivalent of orgasm.
Tantric answer: There is another type of male orgasm that happens without ejaculation and release of semen.
It’s an orgasm in which the energy is retained in the body, expanding upward instead of being released outward.
4. Good sex must be hot and steamy.
Tantric answer: orgasmic state happens in relaxation from the exchange of the energies between the man and the woman.
There is a certain coolness necessary to be able to live an ecstatic experience. Coolness not as in “cold” but as in relaxed, aware, present and opposed to “hot”, mechanical, unconscious, effort, rushed.
5. The clitoris is the most important for the woman’s orgasm.
Studies show that almost 70% of women can’t reach an orgasm without clitoral stimulation.
Tantric answer: The gate to a woman’s orgasm is actually in her breasts. Tantra is based on the ancient science of how the energy circulates in the woman and in the man body.
The woman has 2 poles of energy: the breasts are the positive pole, the vagina is the negative one.
The opposite is available for man: his positive energy pole is in his penis, while his chest is the negative one.
Every human being, just by circulating her energy in between these 2 poles is capable to reach an orgasmic state, even without a partner.
The flow of energy, naturally goes from plus to minus. It’s then logical to start with the breasts when stimulating a woman. Her positive energy will expand downwards and awake the vagina.
The stimulation of the clitoris is actually not recommended at the beginning of love making because it’s causing contractions of the vagina. Thus not allowing it to relax and receive the penis fully receptive and welcoming.
6. Having and keeping an erection is entirely the man’s responsibility.
Tantric answer: woman is equally responsible for the man’s erection.
Talking about taking the pressure off our men and assuming our part in the game.
In tantric love making erection comes as a natural response of the penis to the welcoming energy of the vagina. It is not an effect of mechanical stimulation. Amazing, isn’t it?
That’s why it is so important to dedicate as much time as necessary to awaken the woman’s body first.
By the virtue of being a woman, she has a negative, receiving, passive energy and needs more time than the man to be ready for love making. It’s just the way things are.
Understanding and accepting this aspect only will hugely increase the quality of the love making for millions of women.
7. There must be higher, faster, and stronger excitation and stimulation to reach an orgasm.
Tantric answer: aggressive, rushed, overstimulating sex is actually causing the woman’s body to slowly close down over the years.
The women’s withdrawal from sex is a natural self defense mechanism of their bodies. The main causes are:
-repeated penetrations before they feels a deep, true “yes”;
-mechanical, unconscious movements -jack hammering type;
-increased stimulation of the vagina with fingers or objects.
This causes in time a loss of sensitivity and a hardening of the vaginal walls. Plus a closing preventing the penis to touch the cervix which is in tantra called “the garden of love”.
All of these are common facts in conventional sex.
And very often they combine with a very short period of time allocated to the love making.
Most often leaving the woman frustrated that it’s over before she barely had the time to warm up.
No wonder that millions of women settle for a sexual minimum or withdraw completely from any sexual activities.
Their bodies are silently protesting against the repeated abuse.
Even when there is no traumatic incident like a rape or an incest, in time, conventional sex is perceived by the female body as abusive.
The loss of libido is just a natural defense reaction.
8. Women should be very active in bed, moving their pelvis to pull off an orgasm.
Tantric answer: the magical attraction that happens naturally between man and woman is the attraction between their polarized energies.
The more the woman relaxes into her deep, feminine, negative energy, the more she attracts the male positive, active energy.
When a woman starts to actively move her pelvis to pull of an orgasm, her increased energy will pull of an ejaculation from the man, usually right before she can actually reach the orgasm.
And second, if that doesn’t happen, her energy changes from negative to positive and the penis loses erection.
This doesn’t mean that women should not move at all. But to allow soft, natural movements of the bodies to arise without any agenda, without a purpose.
I know I’ve barely scratched the surface of this topic.
I recommend you to get the book, read it and then start practicing and applying it in your everyday life.
I am doing this already and I will write another article on this topic after I’ve gathered enough experience and insights to share them with you.
Let love, joy, and awareness be your guide in every moment of your life.
Whatever you do, listen to your body, and to your feelings and trust them. They never lie to you.
With all my love,
PS: You can get the book Tantric Orgasm For Women by clicking on this link Tantric Orgasm for Women [affiliate link], I totally recommend it.