Yesterday evening, I was sitting on a bench in the park, together with a friend that I get to see rarely because we live in different countries. Fresh cool September air, birds flying by, almost no one else around. The perfect time for chatting and eating some of those over-the-top sweet Turkish cookies.
The topic of our chat was our on going process of growth. How each of us has evolved since we last met, a few months ago.
-Lately I feel I am more aware of my old patterns and I manage to step back and observe when I fall back into one. So I can choose if I want to go “there” again or not. And more and more often I find myself choosing a new way.
-How do you that? Choosing not to go “there”? I still find it very difficult to not act like I am used to when a situation is triggering me.
-Well, I am constantly aware of how I feel. If suddenly, while in a situation or conversation with someone I start feeling bad, I step back, breathe, and ask myself where is the discomfort coming from. When I identify it I accept it and look for options.
There are always at least 2 options available: to identify with the bad feeling or not to do that. By simply observing where I am at, my consciousness expands and I start seeing the situation from above. When I dissociate from the feeling, I am no longer led by it so I can see other options. It’s like entering a whole new world.
-Hmm, could you give me an example?
-One of my old patterns was to be attracted by men with whom I was obviously not having a good connection. The difficulty of the connection was what was appealing to me. I had the chance to struggle, to fight, to convince, to do all sorts of things to gain validation from that man. And most of the times it wouldn’t work-so I had a good reason to be unhappy-or when it worked, and he became interested in me-I would push him away soon after. Or if I continued the relationship I would create a lot of drama to spice it up. I was such a perfect drama queen. (These are specific characteristics that define codependent women.)
-So that was the old you. How is the new “you”?
-I can see clearly a new me, especially in the last few months, after I did some intense work on my self growth. I’ve noticed changes in my thinking and in my behavior.
-Like? What kind of changes?
-There are many changes, but I’ll tell you the most important 4 new ideas and ways of being my new “me”.
First, I realized the futility of creating the drama. So my first resolution was :”no more drama”. After a few months of emotional entangling in a on-off relationship I was finally able to say : “I chose my way, you chose yours, we are on different roads, so there is no point in struggling anymore”. That was it. Nice, clean cut, we are still friends, no resentments.
Second, the idea of chasing a man to convince him of what a great match I would be for him became ridiculous.
Third, the idea of competing with another woman for a man that we are both attracted to (a thing that I used to do in my teenage years) appeared to me as an emotional immature and low vibration place to be in. So I decided I never want to go there again.This comes hand in hand with the previous idea, it makes sense, doesn’t it?
Fourth, I’ve learned to really listen to my body and follow his messages. This means that I can tell just by feeling my heart while I am talking or hugging a man if he is a potentially good match for me. When my heart connects with the other person’s heart it sends signals throughout my body.
Shortly I get a clear yes or no answer that comes from the heart and body not from my mind. Which is pretty cool and saves a lot of time. No more forcing a relation to be what it simply can’t be. And saying no to bad matches, allows space for new ones to appear.
-OK, so how are your relationships like now?
-In the last couple of months I’ve experienced wonderful connections with very different men from those I used to be attracted to.
I am no longer attracted to men that are for any reason basically unhappy with some aspects of their lives. I no longer feel compelled to fix, save, make happy any men. If I talk to a man and I feel he has a closed heart I tell what I feel and I keep a safe distance.
If he tells me he is unhappy or bored with his life I no longer feel compelled to act as the sunshine in his dull-grey life. I just let him be and find his way and I step back.
And the new men that seem to appear in my life are totally different from those I was attracted to in the past. They have open hearts, they are spiritual, smart and funny, they know their mission in life and they follow it. They are an inspiration for me. We have fun together, we connect and share on all dimensions with ease and joy.
-Yeap, it looks like you’ve evolved a bit in the last months. I am also on the same path with my relationships with women. I still have some letting go and releasing to do but I am getting there. It’s a work in progress.
-Me too, I feel it’s an ongoing process. I still feel like walking on thin ice sometimes, because of the danger of falling back into my old patterns. And I don’t think this path has an ending, except when, you know, there’s a flat line that shows the beats of our hearts. When we are (a little bit) dead 🙂 I think that as long as I am alive on this Earth I have the chance to love more, to enjoy life and grow, learn and evolve more. And who knows what happens next?
Nobody knows the answer to this question. But we noticed the air was getting chillier and the night was getting darker. And that we’ve eaten all the cookies. So we left the bench and continued strolling through the park in silence, appreciating the walk instead of using it as a background for our talk.