6 Lessons Sexual Abstinence

6 Lessons Learned In 6 Months Of Sexual Abstinence

It started like a 30 days challenge and it went on for 6 months: a sexual abstinence experiment that gave me 6 precious lessons I will share with you in this article.

The 6 Most Important “A-ha Moments” I Got So Far:

1. I Became More Grounded and Aware of the Flow of Energy In My Body

2. Taking Sex Out Of The Equation For A While Opened The Door For Intimacy

3. There Is A Big Social Pressure To Have Sex and Why Sex Is Never “just sex”

4.Why “Just For Fun” Sex Fades Off Quickly

5. What Is The  Spiritual Dimension Of Sexuality – IMHO

6. Why Connecting On The Heart Level First Is Essential To a Fulfilling Sexual Experience

Throughought my life I’ve been through periods of intense sexual activity alternating with times of abstinence. I feel like I didn’t manage so far to find that golden path in between. So 6 months ago, I started an experiment of self imposed abstinence.

It started from a joke, a challenge with a friend of mine who said he was going to stay for at least 30 days away from having sex with a new partner to make sure there is a strong emotional and mental connection before going to the physical one.

I took  the challenge and I said I was going to do the same so we can hold each other accountable. What started like a 30 days challenge turned into a, so far, 6 months experiment.

Why did I choose this challenge? Because from my previous experiences, having sex without  a strong relationship prior to that just opens up a Pandora’s Box for a whole drama show. I thought at a time in my life that I could just have a friend that I can occasionaly have sex with, no strings attached. As I discovered later, that doesn’t work for me.

If I open up sexually, the energy exchange is so strong that old emotional wounds start to come to the surface and everything gets messy and complicated on an emotional level. And if there is not a strong  and safe space for dealing with  and sustaining all that, then the friendship and at least one person get hurt in the process.

So let’s take the 6 lessons one by one.

1. I Became More Grounded and Aware of the Flow of Energy In My Body

Because I was not dissipating my energy anymore I started centering more on myself. Tuning in with my gut feeling and what feels right in the moment became easier and easier to do when interacting with men. Because I didn’t stop meeting with men all together. On the contrary. This approach opened up the space for wonderful hugging and cuddling sessions with close friends.

2. Taking Sex Out Of The Equation For A While Opened The Door For Intimacy

Having no sexual pressure above my head I could easily state what I wanted, what I didn’t, where my boundaries were and so on. It has been a very powerful practice for me to get close physically with a man, hugging, cuddling even kissing, in a playful way, all the while observing the flow of sexual energy coming and going in between us. Not pursuing it with sexual intercourse created a space of another type of wonderful connection: intimacy.

3. There Is A Big Social Pressure To Have Sex and Why Sex Is Never “just sex”

Sharing this experiment with my friends showed me there is a social pressure to have sex. Even the closest friends that get me on so many levels couldn’t really get me on this experiment. There have been times when joking about my not having sex months was the favorite topic.

“Are you still not having sex? Really? Well you should get on with it!”

I didn’t mind, I just stated where I was once more and accepted their point of view. However, now that I think of it, it felt a bit like a peer pressure to just aling with what everyone is doing without making so much fuss about it. After all, is just sex, isn’t it? Well, not quite.

4. Why “Just For Fun” Sex Fades Off Quickly

Having sex just for the sake of sex can be fun and very pleasurable for a while. But from my experience, this type of sexual encounter loses its sparkle and glitter in quite a short time.

In Romanian there is a saying for this: an experience that is as deep and lasting as a fire made of straws. It’s very bright and beautiful  when it starts but it dies quickly. Its English equivalent : it is only a flash in the pan.

Of course, on a rational level I knew that, we all “know” that, but somehow we give in to the hope that “this time is going to be different, better, lasting…”.

But that’s just the definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over again and hoping to have different results. That’s why I got into this challenge of abstinence, to do things differently if I wanted different results. So during this time of observation and playing with my sexual energy without consuming it I got another “A-ha” moment regarding the spiritual component of sexuality.

5. What Is The Spiritual Dimension Of Sexuality – IMHO

Without a higher purpose or frame given by the spiritual dimension, sexual desire fades off. I often wondered what this spiritual dimension really means when talking about sexuality.

For a very long time, because of my religious and specific cultural upbringing I separeted the two. It was like there was this pure, elevated side of myself that had nothing to do with sex, and the dark, low energetic side that was sexually awake.

Now let’s talk about acting schizophrenic! 🙂 The division in between those sides was so strong that I felt like even my body was divided in two, from the waist down. And for oh, so many years, I didn’t even realize what was going on with me.

Putting the two back together, actually realising that there is no separation at all, it is still a work in progress for me.

At the moment, for me, the spiritual dimension of sexuality has to do with having

and not giving into mechanical, soulless sexual connection.

And it has to do with being present and honoring whatever the moment brings without forcing anything. Tuning in with yourself and your partner at all times is the basic ground for this.

6. Why Connecting On The Heart Level First Is Essential To a Fulfilling Sexual Experience

Focusing on connecting on the heart level first is crucial to creating the space for conscious sex. Creating intimacy, friendship, heart and mind connection sets up the safe ground for a spiritual, fulfilling sexual meeting.

Without this strong bond, from my experience so far, it just doesn’t work well for my standards.

If for a while, you just want to have one night stands and physical, just for fun sex, of course you can do that too. But it’s a trap to look for a deeper connection in the next encounter, and in the next encounter. Because you can’t build intimacy, and trust, and deep heart connection in one night. These things need time to develop.

And for me, any sexual experience lacking these dimensions, is just not appealing anymore. Different people have different needs in different times of their lives. It can be totally different for you, and that’s alright too.

Wrapping-Up The 6 “A-ha” Moments Out of 6 Months of Sexual Abstinence

In not pursuing my sexual desires with at all, I became more and more aware of how my energy flows in my body. And also of the peaks and the lows that arrise from being close to male energy.

Or those that arrise when I am on my own and I just stay in contact with myself, feeling the sensations in my body. I also could play with it, while observing and not judging in any way the absence or presence of excitment or attraction.

That allowed me to build intimacy with more ease and playfulness. I’ve also discovered that there is a social pressure to have sex “like everyone else does” even if we are not aware of it at all times.

The other discoveries have been actually reinforcements of previous realisations: just for fun sex can only last so little until it burns out, and the spiritual dimension that comes with a heart connection is essential from my point of view to having conscious, fulfilling sexual union.

So this is my take so far. I am very curious about you. Have you ever ran such an experiment? How did you feel during your times of sexual abstinence, chosen or not?

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

If You liked this article, feel free to share it with your friends. Also You might like to check out my other posts on sexuality: the 8 Sex Myths Busted and the Myths about Orgasm.

With all my love,

Raluca

PS: Thank you for your presence, your comments, your lovely energy around this blog. I really appreciate it! 🙂

This Post Has 17 Comments

  1. I’m currently going through an experience that has me asking questions about a lot of the things you brought up. Over the past few months, I have had many brief sexual encounters and I can testify that it has cheapened my interactions. Not only that but it’s numbing me to some of the other emotional joys of life. I’ve lived most of my adult life trying to emulate this type of “Casanova” mentality after being emotionally hurt a couple times. Ironically, now all I crave is the type of butterfly-in-my stomach, giddy excitedness I remember feeling as a kid. I think I may give your exercise a shot. Thanks again for the post and the idea.

    1. Hey Stephen, thank you for sharing. I resonate with the “cheapened” interactions feeling you are mentioning. For me it also felt like scattered energy, waisted time and emotions. The exercise helped me get more centered and grounded in my energy. It’s cool if you will try it for as long as it feels right for you, no forcing anything. Would love to hear how it went for you. Thank you for being around 🙂

  2. Yeah, 6 months is nothing. I was really looking forward to reading something pretty entertaining or at least insightful but seriously, is 6 months that much of a deal for you?
    What kind of friends do you have to are so amazed that you didn’t have sex for 3 months [ when I suppose the peer pressure startet ]. If you look at studies, single people have frequent stretches of 3-6 months with no sex so is this really a challenge? Isn’t even calling it a challenge a snotty way of saying “all these people that would want to fuck me, must wait!”. I don’t know, it just seemed to me that wasn’t even that insightful:

    Yeah, sexual energy can be great if harvested and of course intimacy makes sex great and of course that it is harder to be really intimate with someone than have sex. I mean, didn’t you already know all that?

    As for the “just for fun” sex that fades away i think you paint with a broad brush here. A lot of things can work out great if the persons involved are right. Sure, if you want something else than “just sex” the fun is fast dwindling as your worries about the future of this “thing” eats away at it, but that’s not a general rule. Sex fades away in any relationship if you give it enough time, so it’s kind of a blank truth.

    I’m sorry if I offended you, I might seem a bit harsh but this post really bothered me for some reason 🙂

    R.

    1. Hmmm..For a few seconds I got in defence mode when I started reading your comment. I appreciate your “sweetening” it a bit at the end 🙂 However I don’t understand what exactly bothered you so much about this article.
      I appreciate and welcome feed-back on my writing, it helps me learn, improve and grow. If it’s encouraging I take that as a sign to keep going on that track. If it’s the opposite, like yours, I take it as an opportunity to learn to do things better next time.
      On one side I get that You were somehow disappointed because you were expecting something insightful and entertaining and it did not rose up to your expectations. That I can understand.
      As for the level of the insights I felt like sharing, You are free to consider them worthy or not of sharing, according to your current level of evolution. I get that too.
      From another stance, You are the first person to react so harsh and intense to it, so I was surprised. And from my experience so far, any virulent reaction that we have towards something or someone is worth investigating, cause it’s hiding something we don’t accept in ourselves. Everyone is a mirror and especially the things that “really bother” us are the greatest teachers.
      So I thank you for showing to that part of myself who was afraid of “what people might say if I publish something so personal”, and that is not my wittiest or funniest piece of writing either, that the world still turns and everything is OK. I hope you find out what “really bothered” you 🙂 Thank you for being around.

  3. If you haven’t yet, you should really read this book: Kundalini Tantra by Swami Satyananda Saraswati. It will explain the sexual energy to you like no other book does. I can email it to you if you want.

  4. Hayy!

    Stumbled upon your article and your words are spot on!

    I have been abstinent for a year and a half. I felt so strong, confident, emotionally stable. Until one night i got batshit crazy after too much booze and lost all control. So i broke abstinence and things went downhill from there again. Had another bed partner (sober) a while after that happend and i got emotionally attached to a man who was only interested in casual sex. I felt like i had fallen into little pieces again and felt so insecure about myself. I suddenly understood again why i had to abstain myself from it again. So here i am, trying to pick up the pieces and try to reconnect with myself again. No man will entre this temple anymore before his affection has been proved real, honest, loving, and in it for the long run!
    Thats my story.
    X

    1. Hey, thanks for sharing your story. I like your phrasing and I totally agree with you: “no man will enter this temple anymore before his affection has been proved real, honest, loving and for the long run!” You deserve nothing less than this and I am sending you good vibes to keep it up! P.S. From what you shared here I feel like you might benefit from reading the book “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood. For me it was a life changer, I’ve mentioned it in this article , Keep in touch! 🙂

  5. I think you should clarify if by sexual abstinence you mean just abstaining from sex with a partner or abstaining from having orgasms altogether.
    I believe it’s not that special not to have sex for 6 months for people who are single, but abstaining from sex AND masturbation is a challenge. I am on a path to try it for at least 90 days, as I realized how frequent orgasms were draining my physical and emotional well-being.
    I am on a 2-week mark and I have moments of clarity, self-love and happiness that I haven’t felt for years and years. Fighting the urges is still tough though, but I am hoping it will get easier with time.

    1. Thanks for the clarifying comment. During my experiment it was total abstinence, from sex and masturbation. It is a big difference, I agree. Wishing you good luck with your 90 days experiment! Curious how it will be for you :). Keep in touch!

  6. If you are interested learn Taoist sexual practices. They are meant to teach sacred sex which for men would imply orgasm without ejaculation (which is the great loss sexual of energy). There is a way to indefinitely but not definitively to stop having periods. They way I understand this is that humans are in a kind of survival-of-the-species mode but there is another way too.
    If you want to you can learn Fire Breath Orgasm which is a way of attaining an orgasmic state alone without any physical stimulation, only by directing energy from outside the body through the 7 chakras and then out of the body through the crown. I have had partial results with this one as I am still learning… but again it is not supposed to lead to loss of sexual energy. From what I have read this can be included in a sexual intercourse if both partners are experienced with this method and it may lead to sex without loss of energy.
    Sexual Tantra is another interesting practice but I have only limited knowledge about this.
    Mantak Chia is one Taoist master who explains in his books that, in a men’s case (but I am sure that it works equally for women too) having multiple orgasms while not ejaculating and redirecting the sexual energy on the Microcosmic Orbit can lead to heightened altered states of consciousness when one can have mystical and ecstatic states.
    I believe us humans have seriously misunderstood what sex really is for.
    Accumulation of sexual energy for a whole year while practicing meditation can lead to sexual energy transmutation. Napoleon Hill talks about this in “Think And Grow Rich” but it doesn’t say how it’s done… In Taoist works I have found that there are several kinds of energy being produced in the body and the sexual energy is the most refined and potent, being able to regenerate and rejuvenate the whole body so it shouldn’t be wasted.
    Good luck. 🙂

    1. Hey, thank you for sharing your experience with harnessing sexual energy and also thanks for your recommendations. I will surely check Mantak Chia’s books, I’ve heard of them before but did not start studying yet.
      I agree with you that the majority of humans, and mostly on the west side of the world and in the current age, have not got a clue about what sex is and how to use it for their own evolution and well-being.
      Thank you and good luck with your practice and study.

  7. I Had a delightful vision with my long time coworker crush after a night of meaningless sex with a long term booty call (also a coworker ) that was draining me as well. I asked myself for forgiveness and also the One I had really fallen for. Later that night that wonderful beautiful affirmative vision of Love came to me and said he was my great Love and to never forget that and to hold on everything will be okay and we were looking into each other’s eyes and then I awoke. That was 4 months ago and still keeping that promise of Love to myself ?

  8. Omg this informartion made me tear. I am begining this journey and im afraid but not sure why. I understand the connection between 2 people must be more then just sex. All my life I understood that relationships with men meant to have sex with them and they will like you at 31 yo I realize that is getting me nowhere. Everyrhing you said is so true . Thankyou for sharing your experience.

    1. You’re welcome, glad to hear it helped. You can try and bring more awareness in your relationships, be present and stay with whatever arises in the moment in terms of emotions. The more you reconnect with your inner voice the more authentic and harmonious your relationships will be. You’ve got this, best of luck!

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