“If he loves me he will know how I feel without even telling him.”
“If he loves me he will know exactly how I like to be touched.”
“If he loves me he will take the garbage out before it piles up to the ceiling.”
Ever had these thoughts going through your mind? Be honest…Once? Twice? Maybe when you were a teenager? Maybe yesterday?
You did, didn’t you? I thought so, but don’t beat yourself up for this. Most of us, women, have these types of beliefs ingrained in our minds at an early age.
It starts with the bed time stories, and continues with every Disney animation and romantic Hollywood movie we’ve ever watched.
Our whole modern society is bombarding us with the illusions built around the line “and they lived happily ever after”. But no words are spoken about what happens during that “ever after”.
In time, reality kicks in and some of us realize those ideas are actually non-sense or pure BS to be straightforward.
Others continue to live their lives having those expectations as their guidelines thus living a life of constant conflict with their partners.
Studies show that frequent conflicts are ranked no. 4 among the most common causes of breakups. And many conflicts arise because of the unconscious and unrealistic beliefs about how the other should be or behave.
Unrealistic beliefs lead to unrealistic expectations that are obviously never met thus leading to constant frustration and conflict.
So what could you do? Instead of waiting for that perfect man to appear (which you’ve already guessed by now…there is no perfect man) you could start asking yourself “what kind of a woman I should be to match the man of my dreams?”
What could you do to avoid the tension, the nagging and the (often false) conflicts?
Here are 10 common mistakes women do in a relationship and how to avoid them : (I am sure some of them could apply to men also)
1. When you feel there is something bothering you and you do not immediately tell your partner about it.
You know that feeling, it’s like a weight around your heart, there is something that is bugging but you can’t really put your finger on it. What you usually do is ignore it and hide it with a joke, a glass of wine, a movie or whatever action will make you feel a bit better.
And for a while you will forget about it. But if this happens several times, it will eventually pile up and you will explode just like a volcano without even knowing really why.
Remedy: ideally tell him immediately. If you are not clear about it, ask yourself first a few questions like:
What is it really bothering me? Is it that thing he said? That gesture he did? Get clear with your self and then tell him as soon as possible.
2. You expect him to guess what you like instead of explaining straight and clear your desires.
Especially in the beginning of a relationship, when you just get to know each other it’s a common mistake to assume he will magically know how you like your coffee and that you prefer foot massage over a head scratch.
Remedy: Until we all learn how to read each others minds, use the old fashioned words to communicate what you like.
He will appreciate not letting him err in the dark and you will be happy to get what you really like.
3. When you do not have a piece of information from him, you make assumptions and create scenarios to complete the puzzle instead of just asking him for it.
He seems distant or upset. You see it and instead of asking for clarification you start creating scenarios “maybe it’s because something I did or said to him”.
And you spend a lot of time tossing and turning around what might be wrong. And you do this until you can’t bear it anymore and than you go ask him.
Only now you are in such a bad state that he finds it difficult to open up to you.
And most often it wasn’t even about you in the first place. He was upset with something from work or because his favorite soccer team lost an important player. 🙂
Remedy: stop creating scenarios in your head. It will drive you and him crazy! Now seriously, stop it and just ask for clarification every time you find yourself in doubt.
4. When you are obviously pissed off and he’s asking you “what’s wrong” you say “nothing”. And then you get even more upset because he will not insist in getting the truth out of you.
This is the most common passive aggressive torture tool that women use. No need to explain much here. It’s not an effective way to handle a tensed situation or solve a conflict.
Remedy: If you really don’t know why you are upset about just tell him that. Then read again point no.1 on this list, get clear about it and then talk to him again.
5. When he is just sitting quietly in his “nothing box” you start bugging him with questions like “what are you thinking about?”
Remedy: If you are not familiar with the idea of men and their nothing box check out Mark Gungor and his hilarious and illuminating workshops on a happy marriage.
6. You start talking to him before making sure you have his attention. This means he needs to stop doing whatever he was doing and he agrees to listen to you.
It’s a biological fact: men are not designed to multitask. Even if you can easily talk on the phone and put on some lipstick while driving your car with the radio on, men can’t do this (of course, they don’t even need to put on lipstick at all, but you get my point).
Remedy: If you see him playing with his phone or involved in any other activity, as trivial and simple as it may seem to you, kindly ask him to stop it and give his attention to you before you tell him what you want.
Again, check out Mark Gungor on this topic also.
7. When you have a specific need like, for example to be hugged or cuddled and he doesn’t magically offer to do that exactly in that moment. You wait until you get frustrated instead of just simply saying what your need is.
The trick here is that if you wait too long, you will get frustrated.
And your vibe will change into a lack and needy one that will eventually push him even further away from you.
Remedy: So, first you need to become aware of your need. Second, simply state what you need, using an I message : “I need a hug right now!”
Magic happens when you just express what you want, from the heart, in a honest and straightforward way.
8. Whenever you use words like “always” or “never” in your conversations.
“You are always late!” or “You never really listen to me!”
Those types of messages will make his brain instantly go into defense mode and start looking for evidence in the past that what you said it’s not true.
And that turns the discussion away from the real issue or problem.
This situation usually arrives later on, in long term relationships. When you have just started dating you don’t have enough history together to fall into this trap.
Remedy: If you ever hear yourself using those words just, you know, “Stop it!”
9. When you criticize him as a person and not his behavior.
Whenever you put a negative label on him instead of telling what is it in his behavior that bothers you, you’re heading on the dead end road.
It will trigger in him the defense mechanism and (just like in the previous point) he will not hear any words you will pronounce after that.
Which usually are the words that describe what is really bothering you. Ironic, isn’t it?
Remedy: stop using any negative words and start describing the behavior and the effect it has on you.
10. Whenever you take him for granted.
Remedy: just don’t do this.
Instead of a conclusion I would love to hear your thoughts. Drop a line bellow and share your personal false type “if he loves me then he will….” beliefs and other sure-to-lead-to-frustration things that you’ve stopped doing along the way.